Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
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Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
Who knew!