When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.