When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it