HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
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Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
thank god
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.