Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
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I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
What?!?
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house