Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
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What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
brian had himself a morning…
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…