[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
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Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
This is painfully accurate 😅
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’