if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
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New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
there has never been a better use of this meme
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.