@ryaninco

North Korea is becoming like that annoying person that always threatens to close their Twitter account from lack of attention.

@ryaninco

According to my cholesterol level I’m a pizza.

@ryaninco

God: I will create a being to cook, clean, serve and obey. Adam: what will it cost me? God: an arm and a leg. Adam: what can I get for a rib

@ryaninco

You know you’ve had too much to drink when you ask Siri to drive you home.

@ryaninco

Just gave all of my money to Charity, she gives a hell of a lap dance.

@ryaninco

Forgive me Twitter for I have sinned, it’s been twenty minutes since my last Tweet.

@ryaninco

Instagram before the foods goes in, Twitter when the food goes out.

@ryaninco

Me: I’ll take another drink.
Bartender: Would you like for me to call you a cab sir?
Me: No it’s cool he’s driving * points at chair*

@ryaninco

Florida is great, if you make a wrong turn you’re at the beach.

@ryaninco

I think I put the roofie in the wrong driiiiiiiiiiiiiii