North Korea is becoming like that annoying person that always threatens to close their Twitter account from lack of attention.
According to my cholesterol level I’m a pizza.
God: I will create a being to cook, clean, serve and obey. Adam: what will it cost me? God: an arm and a leg. Adam: what can I get for a rib
You know you’ve had too much to drink when you ask Siri to drive you home.
Just gave all of my money to Charity, she gives a hell of a lap dance.
Forgive me Twitter for I have sinned, it’s been twenty minutes since my last Tweet.
Instagram before the foods goes in, Twitter when the food goes out.
Me: I’ll take another drink.
Bartender: Would you like for me to call you a cab sir?
Me: No it’s cool he’s driving * points at chair*
Florida is great, if you make a wrong turn you’re at the beach.
I think I put the roofie in the wrong driiiiiiiiiiiiiii