I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
I’m not proud
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong