How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn