Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
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Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?