I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
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*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
How did we not see this back then?
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip