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Page of salamingia's best tweets

@salamingia : The best part about getting up to get an apple is when you come back with Doritos.

@salamingia: "Google, how long will my trip to Cleveland take?

"Your trip will take 5 hours"

"Google, I have a child.

"Your trip will take 9 hours".

@salamingia: I prepare my daughter for disappointment by always giving her the iPad with a 4% charge.

@salamingia: *Pays $450 for ticket to hockey game.

*spends the whole game on iPhone.

@salamingia: Hi, is your resort child friendly?

Yes it is sir. Would you like to make a reservation?

*hangs up

@salamingia: My favourite gymnastics move is the double cheeseburger.

@salamingia: As you can tell by my wrinkled shirts, I'm bad at irony.

@salamingia: $50 says Jesus rose from the dead to clear his browser history.

@salamingia: Wanna burn fat quickly and without dieting?

Here, take this gasoline and matches.

@salamingia: Don't you love it when you order salt at McDonald's and you accidentally get some fries!