Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
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My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
oh good, now I can stop drinking
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
BETRAYAL
Software Development ⛵️
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
the short answer to this question
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?