It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
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“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
Cake safety first. Always.
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
“i am a sweet baby”
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
my favorite genre of twitter
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.