That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.