Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.