You know you’re a writer when you have file names like “final_draft_V15_updated_edited_this_sucks_going_to_rewrite_this_garbage_i_need_a_drink.doc”
Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.