Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.