Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
You Might Also Like
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.