“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
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Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
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Dead:
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Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
💁🏻♂️
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.