Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
Baller is short for ballerina
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.