What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
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JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
All generalizations are stupid.