@samlymatters

I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence

@samlymatters

Gatorade is a drink for both world class athletes and hungover drunks who don’t know how they got home last night. There’s no middle ground. Nobody is drinking Gatorade because their day was fine. You either brought home the state championship or woke up in a state prison.

@samlymatters

MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!

MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.

@samlymatters

Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”

@samlymatters

I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”

@samlymatters

If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.