Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
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All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
My flabber has been gasted.
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”