Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
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My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.