@SamuelHlowe
Oh my God! Honey, the baby just said “Dada!” Wait, why is he using air quotes?
@SamuelHlowe
@SamuelHlowe
Ugh! I always think of the best comebacks when I’m burying the body.
@SamuelHLowe
My trainer said with enough sacrificing I could get a 6-pack. He’s full of shit & I have 4 dead goats & 17 decapitated chickens to prove it.
@SamuelHLowe
– 911,what’s your emergency?
– I’m out of beer!
– That’s no emergency.
– Chest pain?
– We’ll send an ambulance.
– Make sure they bring beer.
@SamuelHLowe
How do you say “No, I’m full” in Grandmother?
@SamuelHLowe
Fencing proves that with enough rules even a sword fight can be boring as hell.
@SamuelHLowe
I wonder what my dog named me.
@SamuelHLowe
I have sychic powers. For example, right now you’re thinking, “it’s psychic.”
@SamuelHLowe
Love is telling someone to go to hell and worrying about them getting there safely.
@SamuelHLowe
– What’s your cell phone?
– iPhone.
– No, I meant the number.
– It’s a 6.
– No, to contact you.
– I don’t use it for that.