@SamuelHlowe

Oh my God! Honey, the baby just said “Dada!” Wait, why is he using air quotes?

@SamuelHlowe

Ugh! I always think of the best comebacks when I’m burying the body.

@SamuelHLowe

My trainer said with enough sacrificing I could get a 6-pack. He’s full of shit & I have 4 dead goats & 17 decapitated chickens to prove it.

@SamuelHLowe

– 911,what’s your emergency?
– I’m out of beer!
– That’s no emergency.
– Chest pain?
– We’ll send an ambulance.
– Make sure they bring beer.

@SamuelHLowe

Fencing proves that with enough rules even a sword fight can be boring as hell.

@SamuelHLowe

I have sychic powers. For example, right now you’re thinking, “it’s psychic.”

@SamuelHLowe

Love is telling someone to go to hell and worrying about them getting there safely.

@SamuelHLowe

– What’s your cell phone?
– iPhone.
– No, I meant the number.
– It’s a 6.
– No, to contact you.
– I don’t use it for that.