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Page of SamuelHLowe's best tweets

@SamuelHLowe : I forgive you, but I hope your death is written, produced, and directed by Quentin Tarantino.

@SamuelHLowe: - I'm your son's teacher and I'm calling to tell you that he may be a compulsive liar.
- And a damn good one. I don't have any sons.

@SamuelHLowe: - If any person believes that these 2 shouldn't be joined in holy matrimony, speak now or...
- THE PRIEST ALREADY SAID THAT!
- Ugh, I do.

@SamuelHLowe: - I'd like to make a reservation.
- Name?
- Matthew McConaughey.
- Can you spell that for me?
- No.

@SamuelHLowe: - 911, what's your emergency?
- My nephew just swallowed a lighter!
- What's your address?
- Never mind, I found some matches.

@SamuelHLowe: You know you're old when you watch a horror movie where annoying, partying college kids get murdered and you identify with the killer.

@SamuelHLowe: - We buried my mother-in-law yesterday.
- Sorry to hear that. When did she die?
- My guess would be sometime this morning.

@SamuelHLowe: Top 3 situations that require witnesses:

1) Crimes
2) Accidents
3) Marriages

Need I say more?

@SamuelHLowe: Shout out to the creepy guy sitting in your bedroom chair who turns into clothes as soon as you turn on the lights.

@SamuelHLowe: - Baby, I can't sleep.
- And it was pissing you off that I could?