Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
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thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us