@SamuelHLowe: - I'm here to register for the pessimists' club.
- Is the glass half empty or half full?
- What glass?
- Gentlemen, we have a new leader!
@SamuelHLowe: I'm going to confess my love to this sore throat so it'll be gone when I wake up in the morning.
@SamuelHLowe: She invited me over for a romantic dinner and told me I was the dessert.
I wanted ice cream.
@SamuelHLowe: Aliens must know that we're an easily conquerable race if they've ever seen us try to cancel a printer job.
@SamuelHLowe: - You pay more attention to the TV than you do me!
- Ma'am, do you want me to fix your cable or not?
@SamuelHLowe: *wakes up from a 10 year coma, pretends to be asleep for an extra 5 minutes*
@SamuelHLowe: "Based on a true story" means it happened more or less like this, but with ugly people.
@SamuelHLowe: If you're ever on death row, request Denny's for your last meal so you can live an extra year waiting on your order.