@sandjoeman

In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.

@sandjoeman

Me: She really needs to calm down.

Alcohol: You should tell her.

@sandjoeman

I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.

@sandjoeman

People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.

@sandjoeman

I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.