My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
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[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
When you don’t understand how floors work
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no