Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets
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@sara_ashlynn : My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
@sara_ashlynn: I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
@sara_ashlynn: My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
@sara_ashlynn: When I'm mad at my kid, I don't put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
@sara_ashlynn: My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can't wait to do this to my kids.
@sara_ashlynn: Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
@sara_ashlynn: I'm a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
@sara_ashlynn: My daughter said, "You're the best mommy ever!"
I'm really proud that she's learning sarcasm at such a young age.
@sara_ashlynn: Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
@sara_ashlynn: I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.