I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
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Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
What
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight