Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
You Might Also Like
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
That took me a moment.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.