They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
You Might Also Like
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.