Every. Damn. Time.
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You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*