Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?