When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.