My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.