Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.