*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.