Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
You Might Also Like
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.