Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
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Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
New favorite tiktok
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.