Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
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What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
How to find Kentucky on a map
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks