My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
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Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.