remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms