I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.