The program was great. Not only did we have a yabba dabba doo time but we had a gay old time.
No crypto for me thanks, at least not until I figure out how dollars work.
Wife: any ideas for dinner this week and don’t you dare say hot dogs
Me:
Wife:
Me: frankfurters
I’ll be honest. I can’t solve your problems. What I can do is create new, bigger problems that will make your current problems seem quaint by comparison.
Spotify: enjoy the next 30 minutes commercial free
Also Spotify: we have no concept of time
I have written in my calendar that I have a physical scheduled and there’s something I scribbled below that I sure hope says ‘fasting’ and not something else.
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok