I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral