Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.