I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you