outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice