Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
You Might Also Like
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.